


I Knew I Loved You

by redpenfics



Category: Bon Jovi (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-21
Updated: 2018-12-02
Packaged: 2019-08-05 13:04:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 10,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16368167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redpenfics/pseuds/redpenfics
Summary: Fate has its strange ways when it comes to love. The true and crazy love...





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> They could have met before. Who knows? A little pre-BJ fic. Enjoy!

He was watching him intently. Long hair flowing in the air as they man was jumping around, lean body doing some acrobatic moves that would give most pole dancers a run for their money. There was something in the way he was singing, his plump lips glued to the microphone, giving him an uneasy feeling as if the singer was devouring it. He shifted in his seat, his cap pulled down over his eyes. 

And then the singer finally saw him and stopped for a while, furrowing his eyebrows. The dark-haired guy was there again, sitting in the audience and staring at him. He had already seen him a few times and the thought that he was sort of being followed made him a little uncomfortable but he immediately got it off his mind. After all, everybody got in the same few clubs to jam so there was a good chance they’d bump into each other sooner or later. 

Suddenly, a wicked thought came across his mind.

_You want a show so I’m gonna give you one._

He pushed his hips forward, one hand clutching the microphone, the other tracing a haphazard pattern on his exposed chest. With a broad smile on his face he sung a few verses in a low, raspy voice, never breaking the gaze with the man sitting in front of him. When the stranger got a little jumpy in his seat, it gave him a sense of victory, a kind of odd pleasure to have such a power on another person. He certainly never thought he'd be that pleased about having another man sexually turned on. 

A flicker of a sly smile chased across his lips. He grabbed the microphone stand and rubbed against it, only to notice the dark-haired man turned his head sideways. He didn’t remember smiling so broadly.

_I got you!_

A growing feeling of getting aroused made him a little uneasy, though. He didn’t mean to get himself hard but it was too late now. His cock was pushing against the thin layer of leather pants and he was quite aware of the show he was making.

_Let’s make it baby._

A raspy cry left his mouth just before the lights went off and went right on again. The stranger was staring at him unabashedly now. 

***

His legs were shaking so much he barely stepped off the stage and made his way into the dressing room. As soon as he got there and was about to open the door, he felt a light grip on his shoulder and almost screamed. When he turned around, a pair of dark eyes was watching him intensely, the heat emanating from their bodies almost burning the place down. He put his back to the door and, with his eyes wide open, he observed the other man drawing closer until he could feel his beer breath on his face.

“I liked it. I liked it very much,” he murmured, his eyes gleaming in the dim light of the corridor. The slightly parted lips barely grazed his cheek, dangerously close to his lips. Instinctively, he made a small moan and pushed his hips forward. 

_I've wanted to kiss you since the moment we met._

And then the stranger, who didn’t feel like one anymore, smiled that gentle smile that made his legs even weaker, pressed up against him and put his big mouth on his own. The kiss was rough but his lips felt surprisingly soft and they almost distracted him from the oddness of their hardened cocks rubbing through the close contact they made.

That was strange at first, and then it wasn't strange.


	2. Chapter 2

He shivered from the cool air hitting his warm skin when the other man moved away and involuntarily screwed up his face. He didn’t want to stop just yet, the pleasure barely started spreading through his body. The handsome brunette surely knew what he was doing to him, a gleam sparkling in his eyes and a smug smirk spread on his full mouth, now moist and slightly swollen from the intense kiss they’d shared.

“I’ll be playing a gig here tomorrow. Hope to see you around and pull our conversation back to where we’ve finished,” he flashed a smile, showing a row of white teeth. “And my pleasure.”

It seemed the man’s cockiness had no limit and it surely felt a little uncomfortable. He inhaled sharply, trying to hide his irritation. He wasn’t used to being the one who was left hanging like that. The one wanting more.

“Who told you I was coming?” He muttered through the clenched teeth, still sounding more desperate than he wanted.

“Let’s say it’s my gut feeling.” 

He noticed that the other man’s features softened and his grin slowly faded into something more pensive. Slightly confused, he watched the stranger’s back as he turned and left. Only after his tall silhouette had disappeared in the smoky haze of the corridor, he realized he didn’t even know his name.

***

“Oh, fuck!” Jon cursed under his breath, rubbing the reddened skin as the dull pain was spreading through his right hand. He couldn’t focus on anything that day and was clumsier than ever. He didn’t even notice the damn thing when he hit it.

“Hey, man! You OK?”

A chirpy male voice rudely interrupted his thoughts. He lifted his head and saw a familiar face.

“Alec! What are you doing here?”

“I was in the neighborhood, so I figured I'd just drop in. Jon, you finally need to see that kid who’s playing with me. He’s really good!” 

Jon winced. He definitely wasn’t in a mood to look for a new guitarist, even though Dave didn’t make it a secret him being in the band was just a temporary solution. 

“Oh, come on. Another average guitarist from around here? Man, I don’t feel like going to a bar today,” Jon objected but Alec seemed undaunted.

“He’s playing with his band in Vault tonight! You’ll thank me for that, I’m telling you!” Alec said firmly, ignoring his protests.

Jon usually half-listened to such lame attempts to get another homeboy in the band but after hearing the name of the club, he felt all the blood drain from his face. 

When Alec noticed the somewhat angry stare, he raised his hands up in mock surrender.

“Don’t look at me like that. It’s just this one time. I promise I won’t bug you again.”

“Is he even cute?” Jon mumbled after a while, the very thought oddly amusing.

Alec furrowed his eyebrows and gave him a questioning look but Jon just shrugged.

“Never mind. I’m in a weird place now. Well, I guess I have nothing to lose anyway.”

“Great! It starts around 9.30. See ya there!” Alec patted him on the arm with a huge smirk on his face. Jon hesitated for a moment.

“Erm, you know, had to spend some extra cash this month and I’m out of gas. Will you…?”

“No problem. I'll pick you up. Be ready at 8:30.”

“Thanks.”

Once Alec left, his mind went back to the moment he met the dark stranger. He ignored the nervous knots in his stomach.

_Hell only knows how much I want Alec to shut the fuck up. Yeah, I will show him his little friend is not good enough. I’ll show them both._


	3. Chapter 3

_Fuck. I don’t even know his fucking name._

Jon was spitting out angry words while picking through his clothes, furrowing his eyebrows at yet another outfit and throwing it away on the pile on his bed. Furiously, he grabbed the first thing he found in his closet and dressed quickly.

_It’s not a fucking date, for Christ’s sake!_

And then, he found himself in front of the mirror. A pale face with dark circles under his eyes was looking back at him. He barely slept these days, working at the store and then playing in clubs at night. He held his hand out towards his stuff sitting on the bathroom shelf but withdrew it as soon as he’d realized what he was doing.

_It’s getting ridiculous._

He took a random baseball cap and tucked his hair in under it carelessly.

When he left his house and got a chilly wind blown into his face, a disturbing thought came across his mind. He didn’t even know why he even gave in to Alec’s whining as it certainly wasn’t because he wanted to do some impromptu audition for a new guitarist. It was as sick as it gets and the fact that he didn’t know what to expect somehow terrified him. He half hoped it was just a drunken incident and the guy wouldn’t even be there, yet something stronger than him pushed him forward. The uneasy feeling of being attracted to another man poked its head up in the depths of his mind but he chose to ignore it until the last shreds of doubt were drowned by a growing excitement in the pit of his stomach. He gritted his teeth and put his hands deeper in his pockets as the wind picked up, howling its way through the growing darkness. Alec was already waiting for him in his car.

***

Once inside, Alec went to the bar to order a beer while Jon sat at a table and looked around. The place was full of more or less drunk people, the noise vibrating in his ears. The band on stage was covering some current tunes but they were rather amateurish and Jon soon got awfully bored. He was tapping his foot impatiently, waiting for them to finish and for Alec, who was nowhere to be seen.

_Fuck._

Finally, the last chords fade away and the bad started packing their stuff so the others could set up their equipment. Alec emerged a few minutes later and banged beer glasses on the table, almost spilling the golden beverage.

“Sorry, Jon! Met some dude from my previous band and he filled me in on some interesting news,” he said apologetically. “The guys should be here any minute,” he nodded towards the stage and grinned. 

As if on cue, it got crowded with the musicians going back and forth, checking up on amplifiers, cables, and microphones but the dark-haired guitarist was still out of sight. Jon felt sick and cringed in his seat, which didn’t escape Alec’s notice.

“Jon, you’re OK?” 

“I’m fine,” he grunted a reply and fixed his eyes on his mug. Alec didn’t have time to answer because he already caught a glimpse of his friend from the corner of his eye.

“Well, here he is! Let’s go and say hello,” Alec smiled broadly but Jon just waved his hand at him.

“You go, I’ll stay here and watch him play. If he’s good, I’ll might talk to him later but don’t get your hopes high. You know I’m not easy to please.”

“Man, you’re acting really weird,” Alec frowned, baffled. “I’ll be back in a minute.”

Jon was observing him approach the stage and give the other man a half hug. They were talking for a while and then Alec turned around to point to his table. Jon flinched but it was too late now as the guitarist noticed him and a wide smile lit his whole face up. A wave of heat went through his body and Jon felt his cheeks flush red. He grabbed his mug and took a few big gulps, hoping the weird sensations will go away. 

When Alec returned, Jon had already drunk his beer up.

“Okay, next round's on me.”

On his way to the bar, he heard the husky voice greeting the audience; all he knew was he never wanted a drink so badly in his life.


	4. Chapter 4

"Jon?”

“Huh?”

Alec gave him a funny look. 

“I asked what do you think of him?” 

Jon felt way more relaxed as the beer went to his head now and the weird tension eased enough to allow him to enjoy the gig. He played a game of pretending he wasn’t that much interested, though. 

“It just occurred to me - a funny thing. Richie Sambora and Friends. Oh, how original!” He smirked, taking another sip of his beer. “And if you want an honest answer, he’s a little too blues edged for my taste. I mean, he’s not bad but I need somebody who is more into rock’n’roll, you know?”

“It’s been just three songs. He’s quite versatile, this kid can play everything!”

Jon didn't seem convinced.

“OK, listen. Thanks for trying to help me out but I sure can find the right guy in Dave’s place. He’s just…”

He let the thought trail away when he realized the music stopped and he felt the guitarist’s eyes on him. 

“The next piece has a very special meaning to me. It’s a song by Bad Company, hope you know it,” he said in a low voice and started playing.

Jon recognized the song as soon as he heard the first few notes and wriggled in his seat. 

“He doesn’t seem to give up,” Alec said with a cryptic smile on his face. 

“Whatever,” Jon shrugged but couldn’t help feeling uncomfortable. “How long are they going to play? I'd rather just get over with it since I’m not going to take him on anyway.”

“Two more songs. Richie is a great guy, you’ll like him.”

“Who said I wanted to make friends with him? It's a strange, stubborn faith you keep to think that coming here tonight has any kind of purpose.”

“I just think he’s the last guy that’s missing in our band, that’s it. There is no ulterior motive here,” Alec looked at him rather surprised. “I still think you should give him a chance.”

“How much did he pay you to bring me here?” Jon asked, slightly slurring his words, and laughed loudly.

“He didn’t ask me. It was actually my own idea,” Alec got a little touchy. “Thought you were rather pressed for time to start the band since you got the record deal."

Jon prompty realized there was no point in arguing with Alec because they had two totally different experiences with Richie and he preferred to keep that to himself. He wasn't going to hang out with him ever again, either,so it made their meeting considerably less awkward. Jon knew he could handle it and being a little drunk definitely helped.

“All right, all right, I’ll talk to him. Look! It seems they’ve just finished anyway.”

Jon watched the dark-haired guitarist put aside his guitar and give his bandmates a few instructions, this funny feeling having his stomach in knots again. When Richie finally approached their table, Jon could see his smug smile and it ignited some raw, inexplicable anger in him.

“Hi, I’m Richie.”

Jon gave him a hard, defiant look across the table and firmly shook the outstretched hand.

“Jon.”

“Mind if I join you?”

Jon noticed Alec's expectant gaze and rolled his eyes before fixing them back on Richie.

“No, go ahead.”

“Thanks.”

“OK, I’ll bring some more beer,” Alec offered and disappeared in the crowd before either of them managed to respond.


	5. Chapter 5

Richie was standing there, a faint smirk still playing in the corners of his mouth. “I knew you’d be here,” he spoke softly.

Jon blinked. “Alec wouldn’t leave me alone,” he mumbled and wrinkled his nose. “He can be such a stubborn fucker sometimes.”

“It wasn’t the only reason, was it?” Richie locked eyes with him and Jon got suddenly afraid he would find something that even he wouldn’t admit to himself. That, in fact, he was attracted to him against all common sense. Against everything that was like day and night to him, that was clear and unchanging. His jaw tightened.

“Don’t presume you know me,” Jon replied harshly.

“I don’t but I do want to know you better. If only you let me.” 

Jon felt the nervousness was taking him over again. He wanted to bite back but found himself unable to respond. “What was it?” His heart pounded fiercely when he finally choked out the words.

“What do you mean?” Richie frowned in confusion.

“The song."

“Thought you’d like it,” Richie said and smiled broadly as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

“Quite an unfortunate choice of words, given the fact Johny didn’t end up well there. I might think you’d want to see me dead or something,” Jon let out an awkward laugh and immediately hated it. “Look, I don’t know what games you are playing with me but I’m not buying it. Let’s be honest here. Whatever Alec told you, we’re doing completely fine,” Jon swallowed as his mouth went annoyingly dry. “You’ve got some serious skills and no offence, but it’s not what we’re looking for.”

Richie’s face fell immediately. 

“I’m not playing any games with you and I’m certainly not a desperate loser. I have my own band and my own label.” He leaned over and hissed, “Come on, don’t pretend you don’t know what you’re doing. What you were doing to me the other night. And that you didn’t enjoy what happened afterwards.”

Richie’s words hammered in his head and just as he was about to lose his nerve, Alec returned with the beer and set the mugs down with a clink .

“Sorry, guys, took me ages, but did you see that queue?! So many drunk idiots I had to elbow my way to the bar!” He exclaimed angrily while pointing towards the counter. He flopped on the chair and picked up his mug.

“Let's drink to our meeting!” He grinned and only then did he notice that both men were staring each other down, tension so heavy you could cut it with a knife.

"Jon?" He asked tentatively but he got no response. Finally, Jon turned his head and forced a smile.

"Shouldn't have. See, we're done here."

Richie ground his teeth and didn't say anything for a moment. Then, a wicked thought came to him as he approched Alec.

"You know what? Actually, I could use some cold beer right now."


	6. Chapter 6

Jon was watching them in silence but inside his head there was a storm of angry thoughts. He couldn’t believe they would flat out ignore him like that! He was fighting the urge to snap at them but he knew he would only make a desperate fool of himself. Not that he cared much what they would think of him.

_Yeah, right._

The beer felt more and more tasteless in his mouth with every gulp. Alec and Richie were seemingly engrossed in conversation, cracking inside jokes and patting each other’s arms. It couldn’t have been more than ten minutes but Jon already wanted to break some bones. He approached them with a smirk plastered across his face.

“Done yet, lovebirds?”

Alec smiled at him innocently.

“I didn’t know you were in a hurry.”

Jon forced an equally fake smile.

“The gig’s over. I'm leaving, there's nothing here for me.”

Alec slowly drained his mug and looked back at him, arching both eyebrows with poorly hidden mockery.

_Oh, here she comes, a fucking diva throwing a hissy fit again!_

“Man, are you nuts? Leaving before midnight? And in case you haven’t noticed, I’m still talking. If you wanna go, then feel free to do so. For me things are just starting to get fun,” he waved his hand towards the counter. “So many lovely ladies I’m gonna meet tonight.”

He and Richie looked at each other and grinned like that was the right answer. Jon stared him down to make it clear to him that he was not amused at all.

_All right, I should have known that. Fucking loser._

“Fine. I'll find my own ride home. Have fun!” He said through gritted teeth and turned to Richie. “Well, guess it’s time to go. See you around.”

Jon didn’t get five steps before he felt a tight grip on his shoulder. He turned around and saw Alec, his dark eyes burning.

“What the fuck is going on with you, man? You’ve been acting strange since we came here,” he spoke in a hushed whisper. “He’s a good friend of mine and you’re treating him like a piece of shit!”

Jon tightened his lips.

“First, get your hand off my shoulder. Second, I’m bored out of my mind. It’s not my thing and I’m not gonna stay here any longer so I’m going home with or without you!”

Alec blinked.

“Did he say anything to you? Why are you so weird around him?”

“I’m not!” Jon protested, praying to God Alec wouldn’t notice his reddened cheeks. “I’m just tired,” he lied smoothly.

“But did he?” Alec insisted, suddenly alarmed.

“No, no, nothing like that,” Jon rasped out. “And it’s OK, I get it that you wanna stay longer. I think I’ve seen some buddies across the room.”

“I’m actually leaving early, too. If I’m not mistaken, your house is on the way to mine so I can drop you off.”

Richie’s calm voice caught both men off-guard. Before Jon managed to say anything, Richie spoke again.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to butt in, just wanted to say goodbye. Jon, I can pick you up if you want,” he offered with a faint smile.

Alec stared at him disbelievingly, trying to figure out what was happening. He couldn’t make sense of it but slowly the pieces started to fit together. He bit his lower lip so he could keep a straight face.

“Perfect! So now everybody’s happy! Too bad you need to go now, too, Rich. It was great to see you again, though. Hope to catch you later,” he pulled him in a half-hug briefly.

Jon started growing impatient, thinking of how to get out this hell of a trap, the strain already too much on him. When Alec looked at him questioningly, he just shrugged.

“Whatever. Or I should say, thanks,” he said casually, nodding at Richie but without actually looking at him. “See you tomorrow.”

As soon as Richie had headed towards the door, Jon turned back to Alec, the blue of his eyes piercing.

“I hope it wasn’t your fucking idea,” he hissed.

Alec narrowed his eyes.

“I fucking wish it were.”

Jon moved his jaw with the idea of saying something but decided against it. When he finally rushed to the door, he saw a familiar black mop of hair. Richie was standing there and waiting for him, hands in pockets. “Let’s go,” he mumbled and followed him into the parking lot outside. 

They didn’t say a word during the whole way to Jon’s house except for a couple of details how to get there. It wasn’t until Richie cut the engine that Jon finally spoke up.

“I’m sorry.”

Richie flinched at the sound of his voice and turned to examine Jon’s profile.

“Why are you fighting so hard?”


	7. Chapter 7

Jon frowned but didn’t reply.

“What are you afraid of?”

Jon refused to look up, working his jaw. Only when Richie gently touched his leg, he jerked, startled by the unexpected move.

“What are you doing, man?” He gasped, staring into his eyes now.

“I’m asking you the same,” Richie replied in a low voice. “I mean…. I’m sorry, I don’t want to scare you…,” he hesitated. “It’s just things went from bad to worse. I didn’t expect you’d… sort of hate me so much.”

He hung his head, looking down at the steering wheel.

“If it wasn’t for the fact you’d left your car home, we wouldn’t even have this conversation now.”

Jon was breathing hard, trying to process everything. The truth was, he’d rather get out of this car and just forget about what had happened but he knew the perverse fate worked against him and he was stuck. Stuck and overwhelmed with conflicting emotions.

“Stop asking me questions I can’t answer. You somehow make me feel fucking guilty! You… it’s like you fucking expect something from me, hell knows what! I don’t know what got into me that fucking night! And now… now I need to deal with that, whether I like it or not!”

It wasn’t entirely true, though. Jon did feel confused in his head but his body reacted in a rather straightforward way. Even now, with them both crammed in the cell that was Richie’s car, Jon could feel his skin tingle, partly because of fear of the unknown and partly because of excitement building up inside him.

Richie peered ahead, a dark shadow spreading on his face; his grip tight on the steering wheel.

“You confuse me, too. I thought you made it clear what you wanted and now you’re acting like I’m forcing you into something you don’t like.” 

He sighed and turned to Jon again, a tentative smile began to lift up the corners of his mouth. “If it's any comfort to you, it’s always been girls for me, so it’s new to me, too. I'm terrified, and yet strangely… aroused.”

The raw and unfiltered honesty painted his cheeks with burning shade of pink. Once the dam broke, though, even drowning was a relief, as the nagging feelings were finally brought to the surface.

They broke the eye contact. The silence fell between them like a thick blanket for a while which felt like a lifetime, until Jon sighed heavily.

“It’s fucked up, man. We’re fucked up. It shouldn’t have happened.”

Neither of them dared to look at each other. Richie blinked back tears, he knew he was losing it.

“But I remember how you and I… I thought that maybe it’s worth a shot, even though there are millions of reasons to quit before it even begins. I’ve never felt anything like that.”

“Or maybe I was just playing with you.”

Jon’s harsh words cut him off and left him speechless. Anger welled up in him like wildfire about to consume everything around. His lips formed a tight line and his nostrils flared noticeably as he breathed heavily. 

Jon felt a shudder when Richie drew so close their faces were inches apart and hissed out: “Is that what lies look like?” He grabbed Jon’s face and kissed him roughly. The smaller man squirmed under the assault and used his both hands to push him away, biting Richie’s lip so hard it bled. 

“Ow!” He gasped and pulled away, touching his aching mouth. 

They were looking at each other, flushed and panting.

“You weren’t that fucking drunk when you fucking danced for me on that fucking stage and when we fucking made out in that fucking corridor. I don’t believe a word you say but hell, if this is what you want, fine by me! Nice to meet you Jon, my pleasure.”

Jon felt so numb he couldn’t say anything. His body went weirdly robotic; he couldn’t control himself when his hands yanked open the door and he got out of the car without looking back. The cold night wind whipped his face but it didn’t wake him up from this strange coma. Tears heavy in his chest, he only flinched when Richie’s car screeched away and disappeared in the dark, leaving a billow of dust behind.


	8. Chapter 8

Jon was standing in the kitchen in front of the open fridge and looking for a beer. His head was pounding like hell and he was wordlessly cursing his inability to hold his liquor. It’d been worse before, he wasn’t dying, but it certainly wasn’t his idea of a perfect day. And it was going to be a long one.

“Hey, man! What’s up?” 

Jon flinched at the sound of Alec’s voice. “How come you always stalk me at my place?” He snarled angrily.

“Oh, sorry? Didn’t know you were busy. And by the way, the door were open. Again.”

“I’m not busy. Tried to write some but no luck,” Jon shrugged. “Guess it’s one of those days.” He picked the bottle and closed the fridge door so he could face the bassist.

“I see,” Alec nodded sympathetically and put one hand on his arm. “Everything’s OK? You look like shit today.”

“I don't need your pity but uhm… thanks,” Jon laughed and winced at the pain it caused. “I just didn’t sleep well last night.”

“Too much booze? You were drinking like a pro, dude!” Alec patted him on the shoulder and grinned. “Didn’t help to get you in a better mood, though.”

“Then don't spoil it any more,” Jon waved his hand impatiently. “I still have a few things to do today.”

“OK, easy, hot shot! I’m not bumming around, either. Actually, dropped in to see Rich in the morning and he was not at all happy about it. It looked like he had a rough night, too, but that must’ve been another hot-blooded beauty of his! The guy’s not wasting his time. You should have seen his mouth! ” Alec chuckled, clearly amused. “Pretty sure that’s why he left so early yesterday.”

Jon coughed. “That's so sweet,” he said sarcastically, “But dunno, we didn’t talk much.” He unscrewed the bottle and took a long swallow. “And I couldn’t care less. Anyway, what brings you here because surely not the clever shit we’re talking about right now?”

“Actually, yes and no.”

“What do you mean?” Jon eyed him curiously.

“You know, I’ve been one of the regulars on the Jersey bar circuit for some time now and I’ve seen lots of cool cats out there. I have a pretty good nose for talented guys and a wide range of contacts to help you out. There’s this one drummer I want you to meet. He’s insane!”

Alec noticed with satisfaction that Jon focused all his attention on him now. He paused for a while before he continued, trying to keep the excitement out of his voice. “And the good news is that they’re playing in the Vault tonight!”

Jon rubbed his chin. “Sounds good, why not? But can’t see what it has to do with this situation.”

“Well, my band is playing there, too. And since you and Rich finally met, it should be less awkward than last time. I swear, what the hell got into you?! I actually thought for a moment that it all would go wrong for some reason.”

“If you had given me the fucking lift home, it wouldn’t have been awkward , Jon hissed out, more annoyed than he wanted to admit. He took a deep breath to calm himself down. “See, I’ve already told you that. I can’t picture him playing his bluesy notes in a rock and roll band, that’s it! And he’s got some nerve, couldn’t really take to him. Sorry, I know he’s your buddy but just not my kind of people.”

Alec frowned, puzzled by Jon’s answer.

“He’s one of the nicest guy I’ve ever met, honestly. Well, he might have come across as arrogant but wait until you get to know him better. We all have worse days,” he threw up his hands. “I don’t know, shit happens to everybody. In fact, recently he’s been so far away that sometimes when we're at the rehearsal, I’m wondering what’s going on with him but he wouldn’t tell me.”

Jon didn’t respond. Try as he might, he couldn't lose the knot that twisted his guts. The memory of their first encounter flashed before his eyes; the memory that wouldn’t fade but still tingle a spark to his bones. He groaned and clapped his palms over his temples, the emotions intensifying the dull headache. After all, he was getting tired of Alec's shit.

“God, this thing is going to explode! Listen, thanks for help, just need some rest. I’ll do whatever you want, just leave me alone for a second, please,” he gave Alec an apologizing look and nudged him towards the door.

“OK, OK, I was about to leave anyway. You sure you’re gonna make it to the Vault tonight? Sheesh! That’s a pretty bad hangover, man!” Alec asked, watching him carefully.

“Yeah, I’m gonna be fine by then, thanks. I’ll call you later. See you there.”

_Jesus, I’m screwed._


	9. Chapter 9

It was already dark outside when Jon stepped into the smoke-filled club and headed straight for the crowded bar area. He ordered a beer and kept looking around, waiting for Alec to show up. Not that he was in a hurry or anything, quite the opposite. Alec was an old trouper and knew his ways like no other so he decided to trust the older man’s guts. He needed a band and he needed it badly.

He almost jumped in his seat when he felt somebody tapping his back.

“Jonny! Good to see you! Now... is your pain any better?” Alec asked, trying to outshout the other people. He was flushed and had this face-splitting grin that made it obvious to Jon the small guy had already downed a few. And probably snorted some, too.

“A few pills and I’m ready to kill again,” Jon smirked and took a gulp of his beer. “So, where’s your band?”

“Ah, crap. This one dude in the other band turned the volume up too much or something and blew his amp and now we’re stuck. We were supposed to start twenty minutes ago but those fuckers are still fixing their shit.”

“Need to clear your ears out, man. The boys are almost finished with packing their toys so get your ass on stage and help us out, if you please.” Richie appeared out of nowhere, a small smirk playing on his lips as he was drawing on a cigarette.

“What about you? Just standing there and looking pretty?” 

Alec sounded offended and Richie tried not to laugh. 

“I’ll be back in a second.”

When Alec finally walked away, Jon’s mouth went dry. They were left alone and it made him rather uncomfortable, the weird sensations just wouldn’t wear off.

_Fuck._

“Hi, Jon.”

Jon fought the urge to pull his cap deeper over his eyes and suddenly became very interested in sliding his thumb up and down the mug handle. 

“Hi.”

He winced at how raspy his voice sounded. He could almost taste bile at the back of his throat.

“I wasn’t expecting to see you here.”

“It's Alec,” Jon muttered and then cleared his throat. “It was his idea.”

“Nice. I’ve surely underestimated his persuasive skills. He’s clearly better at matchmaking than his bass playing,” Richie gave a wry, quick hiss of a laugh and this was what made Jon finally look up.

His eyes automatically landed on the bruised, puffy bottom lip and the dark pink shade surrounding the bite. He frowned at the sight, strangely mesmerized, his mind devoid of any thought. Only when he registered the curious look on Richie’s face, he snapped out of it.

“Listen, I’m sorry,” he said softly. “But you fucking provoked me.”

Richie leaned down and said in a hushed whisper: “It was going better when we didn't do so much talking.”

There was an irritating undertone about the way he talked to him and Jon noticed he was starting to lose his cool again. He clenched his jaw angrily.

“Today I'd put a fist to that.”

“The fact you didn't just shows how lucky I am, I guess.”

Jon felt a flush of heat creeping up his face. “You’re fucking clueless,” he said through gritted teeth and gave the dark-haired man a challenging stare. 

“Stop trying to control everything and fucking let go! You did once. You surely made it obvious for me. Every fucking inch of you,” Richie answered slowly, pronouncing each word, then straightened up, that enigmatic smile plastered firmly on his face again. “But it’s okay, I found a good match. Sorry, gotta go.”


	10. Chapter 10

And then Jon found himself sitting in the audience, the raucous noise of obnoxiously drunk men spreading through the whole place and bouncing against the walls, though this time it felt like sitting in the eye of a hurricane or swimming underwater with muffled cries coming from outside. He was experiencing the weirdest déjà vu, listening to that song with mismatched lyrics that still didn’t make sense to him, and reliving their last conversation. He wasn’t lying nor he wasn’t avoiding the truth. He always knew what he wanted, forging ahead with a clear vision and steady focus on his goals. And now he was just scared. Scared of his little, well-organized world being shattered to pieces; scared of letting a stranger blow it all from the inside. Yet, oh, did he want to go – run – against the wind and get carried away. So maybe it wasn’t that much of fear itself as the danger of the proverbial forbidden fruit, the thickness of unspeakable secrets yet to be revealed. He was developing this peculiar feeling in the pit of his stomach; a feeling beyond shock and sickness. Anger and wariness gradually gave way to something less defined, yet powerful; conflicting inner voices his persistent nature just couldn’t and wouldn’t ignore. He would either conquer or submit to them, there was nothing in between.

_Challenge accepted._

***

“God, I’m so pumped! Gonna grab a beer. You’d better move your ass and fetch yourself some, I’m not turning into your babysitter!” Alec yelled and rushed to the bar. “And you’d better hurry. The guys are playing in a moment and you’re gonna love it!”

Jon’s expression twisted into a smirk as he looked at Richie, who raised his eyebrows and pointed his thumb at Alec disappearing in the crowd. The moment their eyes met and that bruised mouth curled up in a sly smile, the shadows of his doubts vanished like frightened birds taking flight off the ground.

“You’re boring with your setlist. Killing the guy again, seriously?”

“I knew you'd like it,” Richie replied with a crooked smile, the wound clearly giving him a little hell. “And I have something for you.”

Intrigued, Jon watched him take a crumpled piece of paper out of his pocket.

“What is it?”

Richie smiled. “It’s a song.”

“A song?”

“Thought it might interest you.”

Jon studied the first few verses and slowly began to understand.

“It’s really good. Is it yours?”

“It’s something I’ve been writing since I learnt how to play the guitar. I’ve always wanted to be more than just a guitarist. Maybe we could give it a go. I mean, try writing a song together. For a start.”

Before Jon could respond, he saw Alec out of the corner of his eye. He moved his hand forward to give it back but Richie closed his fingers over his palm.

“I want you to read the whole thing.”

Jon nodded, folded the paper in half and tucked it back in his pocket just in time Alec returned, laughing loudly.

“The show will knock your socks off! You’re so going to thank me, man!” He raised his mug in a toast. 

Richie gave Jon a funny look and he had to crack up. “He’s putting my band together.”

It was only then that he realized what it meant and smile froze on his lips. His dream began to take shape and the thought alone sent shivers up and down his spine.

And when the show was over, he knew it was this guy or no one. Now he only had to convince him to give up on everything and take a chance and trust his vision as if his own heart wasn’t already a stormy sea itself…


	11. Chapter 11

Jon hardly had any sleep at night and the day dragged mercilessly . He tried to get some work done but couldn’t concentrate on anything, getting weirdly restless as the hours went by. Clutching a cup of lukewarm coffee in one hand and holding a pen in the other, he was staring at a clean sheet of paper in front of him.

_Fuck!_

He swore wordlessly and put the pen down, having realized he wasn’t in the mood for writing. He stood up and started pacing back and forth, trying to figure out his next move. It turned out Alec had already dragged Tico to one of his shows and apparently he impressed the experienced drummer so much he didn’t have to be persuaded for too long. This short Cuban guy had this calm, big brother aura around him; a man of few words but when he spoke, his deep voice carried great maturity and wisdom. 

The smooth course of events thrilled him to the bone; his band was almost complete. Almost. He knew it still missed the key member and it drove him crazy. Not that there weren’t any talented shredders in the area, they would come up to him after every show, but nobody seemed to be the perfect foil for him. Great rock songs were his ticket to stardom and although he got the record deal on his own, he knew he’d always wanted a gang of brothers having his back. At the same time, he didn’t try hard to disguise a sense of exasperation, he could almost hear hours ticking away around him each time he turned down another six-string player who could only mimic some current tunes. It was no mystery to him the singer and lead guitarist duo was the creative heart and soul of many rock outfits, the songwriting team whose dynamics made the things work or flop. God, he didn’t want another copycat; what he needed was a guy who could do more than just pluck the strings.

With a heavy sigh, Jon turned his attention back to the squared notebook spread on the table; its blank pages throwing a challenge to him as he approached the scattered papers and flopped on the chair. His fingers blindly found the crumpled sheet with song lyrics Richie gave him the night before and toyed with it for a while. Out of curiosity, he finally decided to read it, letting his eyes skim over the neat handwriting. His chest tightened when it occurred to him he’d just read one of the most beautiful, profound poems; oddly enough, it spoke to his heart, giving the answer to questions he never dared to say out loud.

_And now my life is like a storm  
Growing stronger every day  
Like the unrelenting wind  
That comes to blow our lives away  
So I live each day like I know it's my last  
If there is no future there must be no past  
Now I know the answers never meant a thing  
And with each instant that I breathe  
I feel the joy that life can bring  
Come along with me, come along with me  
Seek the truth, you shall not find another lie. _

His fingers trembled slightly but he chose to ignore it, the words coming to life with the quiet sound of the pen scribbling the lines.

_So you think you’d just live and let go  
Of heaven’s heavy door,  
As the days and nights go by   
One after another, as in a dream,  
Before the chances dry up and die  
And the truth’s worth no more than a lie. _

Jon stopped abruptly and blinked at the verses as if he couldn’t believe what he’d just written. He gripped the pen so hard it snapped. He half-closed his eyes and breathed through his nose, trying to calm himself down. Only when the stickiness of the ink started seeping into the skin of his palm, did he open his eyes and slowly relaxed his grip. Blankly, he was watching a black puddle form on the sheet of paper, staining it and blurring the lyrics.


	12. Chapter 12

_You’re fucking sick and perverted._

Jon squeezed his eyes shut, trying to hush the dark voice that kept telling him how disgusting it was, pushing him deeper and deeper into shame and guilt. He knew he needed to act tough because this is how you handled yourself in New Jersey. Not a good place for mommy’s boys; if you wanted something, you needed to face it head-on. He was once called out a faggot in public because his hair was too long, his clothes too loud. The only thing he remembered was hitting the guy so hard he broke his nose but what came quite a surprise was that he didn’t feel much better afterwards, the pain on the inside more acute than bruises when he eventually felt the punch back to his face.

He wasn’t gay. He wasn’t anything they thought of him. An enigmatic figure wearing dark glasses all the time, not particularly good at sports, doing even worse at school; always buried deep in his own thoughts, he didn’t care if he was popular or not as long as they didn’t attack him personally. His wild nature wouldn’t take an insult without fighting back. So he did.

The memory of his past lovers started flooding his mind in a series of flashbacks and soon he felt hot and sweaty. It was a boozy, embarrassing danse macabre of women much older than him. Like bad dreams he couldn’t forget, those moments would still haunt him once in a while, even though he tried to erase them with having a casual sex with girls he thought he actually fancied. None of them would capture his attention for more than a few weeks before he started feeling that suffocating emptiness again, his insatiable desire never satisfied.

He’d met this one girl at school who was unlike any other, wild and fascinating, and thought that maybe this time it would be different but he still couldn’t fully commit to her; not that she demanded any declarations, either. She was understanding and giving him a lot of space he needed but he was sure as hell that nothing came for free and he would have to pay the price sooner or later. Pushing those uneasy feelings to the back of his head, he decided to focus all his efforts on his dream of playing rock music, and kept writing songs like crazy, covering pages and walls with lyrics of heartbreak, unnamed longing and desire for freedom. He didn’t even know when it all started for real, how his mother’s wishes became his own, but he felt the stage was where he belonged. His church where he commanded the audience and drank from them, high on their energy. Yes, it felt like making love. And yes, he loved seducing them, even if was a small crowd of drunk, sweaty guys.

_Drunk, sweaty guys._

The passing moment of realization hit him in the gut and caused him to come back to the present with an almost physical wrench. He was already sick of it but couldn’t stop breaking it down, stripping it away, as if his life depended on it. Like he had something to prove. Or deny.

Weirdly agitated, he pushed himself away from the table and crossed the room to the window facing the street. He watched people swarming in all directions, rushing somewhere, so self-absorbed they almost crashed into one another. Nobody cared about what he was going through because they were busy fighting their own personal battles, living their own lives. Living in their own sins.

_What are you afraid of?_

Richie’s question echoed in his head and he chuckled humorlessly to himself. The questions were always easier, even if there was only one answer. The Answer. Like the title of that little poem he gave him. 

Jon looked outside again, the small crowd of strangers still bustling about in uncontrolled chaos, unaware of his inner conflicts. He clenched his fists, took a deep breath, and slowly unclenched them. 

“And what if I told you I wanted you, too?”

The words broke out of his body in a strangled whisper that ignited a fire within him, spreading a wonderful pain through his veins. And like that, he knew he was gone.


	13. Chapter 13

Jon was observing his bandmates setting up their equipment in the dusty hall, so caught up in the excitement of being able to explore his craft with such fine musicians that he flinched upon hearing his name.

“Jon!”

He turned abruptly and saw Alec approaching him in long strides.

“Sorry, I’m late. You didn’t start without me?” The small man gasped out and doubled over, trying to catch his breath. “There were some problems with my car and had to look for help. I’m telling you, I should have got rid of that fucking shitbox long ago!”

“It’s OK, man. We’re still getting things fixed here,” Jon said and patted his arm. “You see…,” he paused. “I’ve been thinking, um, of getting in touch with Richie. Do you have his number, maybe?” He asked, trying to sound casually, but somehow couldn’t get over the awkwardness. Alec looked up at him, suddenly interested, and studied his face for a brief moment. Jon felt his cheeks grew weirdly hot under his close scrutiny. “What?”

Alec’s lips curled up in a wide grin. “Nothing. Just took you forever, dude! Let’s phone him right away! Or do you want to make a call in private?”

He laughed when his sarcastic response earned him nothing but a scowl and obediently scribbled down the number. Jon was damn sure he never wanted to strangle that little clown as much as at this very moment.

***

"Thank God there’s no traffic!" Jon mumbled to himself as he was driving down the almost empty street and looking at his watch nervously. He was late to the rehearsal but he knew he’d make up some excuse for it. He’d finally called Richie the night before and asked him to come and play. He still remembered how he clutched the receiver like a lifeline, dizzy with anticipation. It was more than just arranging a meeting or casual hanging out. They had this dirty little secret between them that made everything so much complicated but oh, so much more exciting. Richie agreed to a writing session at his house afterwards and they both knew it also meant picking up where they left off. Waves of tingle hit him in all the right places and he needed to laugh out loud to relieve the tension. Gripping the wheel a little tighter, he pulled into the parking lot behind the club and turned off the engine.

When he entered the place, he could see from afar that the guys were playing some obscure song, clearly having a lot of fun. Richie was in his element, rocking the stage and doing impossible stuff on his guitar, in the middle of improvising an unusually melodic solo; the whole band sounded incredibly tight. Jon smiled to himself. He wasn’t a poor guitarist, could play some tunes, but he knew his skills were limited; he prayed for his instrument to speak to him, to carry the unsung melodies in his head, and there it was, right in front of his eyes. It was like a revelation, he realized. Amazed, he stood by the door until the last sounds faded and it got quiet again; slowly, he came closer and started nodding his head and clapping his hands.

“Well, well, what can I say? You’re hired.”

Jon met Richie’s eyes, shining like two black diamonds, and seeing that wide, gum showing grin, he couldn’t help it but smile back.

“Thanks, man!” The brunette reached over and high-fived the outstretched hand, lacing his fingers for a brief moment. Jon felt a ridiculous flutter in his chest and quickly let go, breaking the gaze.

The rest of the guys were cheering and patting each other’s backs, causing quite a commotion.

“So that means the history is being made right here!” Alec cried excitedly. “My idea is simple. Let’s go for a beer and celebrate. Jonny?”

Jon hesitated but the feeling of expectation and excitement was too thick in the air to hope for going back to work anyway. “Why not?” He finally replied with a shrug. ”Gotta tell Mick we’re done for today so he can open the bar earlier.” His words were met with a round of more cheers, half hugs and high fives. Even though he avoided looking at his new guitarist, he felt his stare burning holes in the back of his head. 

They were leaving the room one after another, everybody in high spirits, nudging and pushing each other playfully, when Jon felt his and Richie’s hands casually brush; he could swear there were sparks of electricity flickering on and off just beneath the surface of the skin where their fingers met. And he decided he didn’t want to fight it anymore.


	14. Chapter 14

“Thank you for dinner, Mrs. Bongiovi. It was absolutely delicious.” 

Jon was standing by the window and observing Richie and his mother exchanging pleasantries. It was interesting to see their interaction; he had to admit with a certain sense of relief that their first meeting went surprisingly well. Eventually, the door closed behind her and it got quiet again.

“Beer?” Jon suggested casually and seeing the other man nod, he grabbed two bottles from the fridge.

“The spaghetti was something,” Richie said appreciatively once he and Jon left the kitchen and were heading towards Jon’s room. “My mom’s a great cook but that sauce, man,” he threw up his hands and shook his head. Jon laughed. 

“Must be the Italian thing but it’s kind of my dad’s specialty. I can't cook to save my life.” 

Richie put on a fake pout. “Aww man, another thing I’m better at. I make awesome omelets, among other things.”

Jon sized him up with a frown. “I’ve never heard there was anything more.”

Richie beamed smugly. “It's one of my many gifts.”

“A man of hidden talents. Who would have thought?” Jon snorted incredulously.

“Want to find out?” Richie asked challengingly, serious all of a sudden. Jon felt he started to feel hot under his intense stare as the charged question was hanging in the air between them.

“Umm, you’ve been full of yourself lately, don’t you think?” Jon rasped out nervously and pressed the handle to open the door. He was trying to keep his composure, even though his heart was beating wildly in his chest. He really wanted to get down to writing and see whether they’re on the same page, so to speak. The problem was, the already familiar tingle just refused to go.

Richie put his guitar down and looked about the room, the many posters and song lyrics on the walls instantly catching his interest. He walked up and studied the verses carefully with his face scrunched up in concentration.

“You know, normally I write songs down in a writing pad.”

“Huh?” Richie asked absent-mindedly and turned back to Jon. “Well, either way is okay,” he cleared his throat and pointed to the wall. “They are pretty good. I have some on me somewhere, too.” He grabbed his handbag and took his notebook out. “Thought you’d like to have a look,” he smiled sheepishly and put it on the desk.

“Sure,” Jon replied with a shrug. “And I really liked the song you gave me last time. Must say it did make me think, even though I don’t really get along with God and all that religious stuff. Guess I haven’t found all the answers yet.”

Richie’s face creased into a soft smile. “Would you like to listen to it?”

“Oh, now?” Jon blinked. “Yeah, sure. You can sit here,” he waved his hand awkwardly to the bed and sort of stood over him as there wasn’t much space to sit down. He watched the brunette take his guitar out of the case and tune it, before those long fingers began strumming a sweet melody that fitted the lyrics perfectly. Richie closed his eyes and focused on the song, so lost in it he only opened them as soon as he’d finished to meet Jon’s intense gaze. The man didn’t say a word, just looked at him with an odd expression on his face and Richie wondered whether his song made the right impression. He was about to ask when Jon finally spoke up. 

“Title.”

Richie’s eyes widened in obvious confusion and Jon had to smile. He himself was in a strange place now; the song sparked something in him that he hadn’t been able to let go, so he knew he needed to act fast before that feeling consumed him entirely.

“I always start with a title.”

“Uh huh,” Richie smiled back tentatively. “That means it wasn’t bad?”

Jon’s smile grew wider.

“No, not bad at all. But before we start…,” he paused and reached out for the beer. “Let’s get it flowing.”

The cold beverage felt nice at the back of his throat after he swallowed it with a big gulp; soon, he got his beer buzz on, warmth spreading through his body, bringing a welcome distraction to the emotional chaos of thoughts thronging in his soul. He knew he’d need to deal with them, but not just yet. That could wait.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fate has its strange ways when it comes to love. The true and crazy love...

“So what do you want to write about?” 

Richie asked and scooted a little closer to Jon, who was sitting on the bed with the pad spread open in his lap. A couple of beers in, and Jon started to feel a little more mellow. Judging from Richie’s flushed face and his lopsided grin, he wasn’t the only one.

“Dunno. Girls?”

“Fine by me.” Richie wiggled his eyebrows suggestively and they both laughed. 

“Just no love poems, okay?” Jon squinted his eyes and rubbed his forehead. “I’m not in a mood for romantic shit and agonizing over broken hearts today.”

Richie peered at him intently. “Why? Is it something personal?”

Jon frowned and tightened his lips, clearly upset. “Maybe.”

“Okay, no problem. We can spice things up,” Richie suggested lightheartedly. “Let’s say, when you meet a gorgeous girl in a bar and she’s wearing that tight little dress of hers and all you can think of is if she lets you take her home.”

A little smirk was playing in the corners of his mouth and Jon thought that he’d rather do something else right now. Or somebody else.

“Jon?”

He flinched and saw Richie looking at him questioningly. The consumed alcohol apparently slowed down his reactions because he didn’t even realize he was caught blatantly staring. Promptly, he averted his gaze, thick strands of auburn hair conveniently hiding his face. 

“What are you thinking about?” Richie asked and gently touched his arm.

_Why you?_

“Do you believe in God?”

Richie seemed taken aback. “I believe there’s a higher force who controls everything. And who loves us. I believe it’s a personal relationship,” he said carefully.

Jon smiled to himself, his face still obscured by his hair. “Does he talk to you?”

After a while, Richie replied slowly. “I guess it’s okay between us. He’s pretty understanding.”

Jon turned his head and looked up at him, his eyes sparkling with genuine interest.

“What do you mean? That he doesn’t make you a pile of ash when you break another commandment? Oh, especially when you’re kneeling at nights but not with your hands up to pray.”

Richie frowned, still clearly stunned. “I’ve had my lapses. I’m only human.”

Jon’s face darkened. “He makes unbaptized children go to hell. Hope you know same-sex attraction is a mortal sin,” his mouth twisted mockingly. “You’re damned either way. Catholic faith makes it all so much more difficult. ”

He saw Richie study him with an odd smile for a while and then heard him speak up again. “So it’s all about your religious guilt now? Funny how fast we switched from hot girls to hell fires.” Jon’s mouth twitched as if he wanted to say something but Richie kept talking. “Let me tell you something. If you fall for somebody and it comes from a pure place, it can’t be wrong. You can’t be wrong. When you meet someone and your heartbeat changes - and the other person feels the same - then you fucking go for it because there’s too much pain in this fucking world to let it slip away. Do you think this is so much different with us? Just because you and me -“ He got closer to his face, so close that Jon could smell alcohol on his breath, “happen to be two dudes? Does it make you sick?”

Jon flinched at his bold approach but did not back away. Richie’s words reminded him of everything that he wanted to forget ,and yet something he brought up himself. He realized the passive aggression in him had to be some self-defense mechanism he couldn’t fully understand or control.

A moment of clarity cut through the muddle in his mind and almost knocked him out. No matter how hard he tried to explain it to himself, to make sense of it all, the feeling was unmistakable. He’d felt it before but never like that, never towards another man. The weird tingling sensation was spreading in a warm wave throughout his body and down his groin now, his ache morphing into pure physical need. He found himself in an unknown territory with blind desire as his only guide and that both excited and terrified him.


	16. Chapter 16

“I’m not gay.”

Jon held Richie’s stare challengingly, although their proximity made him feel weirdly self-conscious. He wasn’t sure why he even brought it up, it was such a lame response but he just knew he had to react somehow. He was painfully aware he couldn't quite get his emotions or desires under control so at least he could decide what was said out loud and what was better left unsaid. At the same time, the high walls he’d built around himself to repress the unwanted, sometimes disturbing memories and images, started crumbling, causing a strange mixture of pain and pleasure slip through the cracks.

“Jon, seriously? I thought we’ve already cleared that up,” Richie straightened up and ran his fingers through his hair, letting out a long, irritated sigh. “As you well know, neither am I. A funny thing, though. It seems I have to be reminded of that every time we meet. Let me jog your memory - it’s not like I was hitting on you; hell, you couldn’t be more obvious that night. I just decided right then to go ahead and play along.” 

Richie drew closer again and Jon noticed the intensity on his face, his brown eyes so dilated they went almost completely black. “Damn it, all I know I’m attracted to you. You fascinate me but not as a woman would do. It’s hard to explain. It’s just there and won’t go away,” he stopped talking to swallow hard, the forced confessions clearly giving him hell. “ I had my doubts too, but I’m done with agonizing over it, like you’d said before. I know what I want, what’s on my fucking mind every single day now. I just need you to tell me what you fucking want. You’d just let me join your band, invited me over to your house, and now you’re getting defensive all over again. Man, you’re making it all so complicated I’m already sick and tired of playing cat and mouse. You’re fighting me… like you hated me but not quite,” Richie croaked and Jon could tell it was more hurt than anger in his voice.

A tense atmosphere build between them as they continued to sit there in awkward silence. Richie’s words were like a slap in the face because they were so true; Jon had to blink away the blurriness that was distorting the room around him, then suddenly found himself speaking up in a strangled whisper that sounded so strange to his ears.  
“We were fucking drunk.”

“So what? We’re fucking drunk now,” Richie managed a forced laugh as if he’d just heard a stupid joke. “Seriously, who are you kidding, man? We fucking made out in that dive! If you didn’t want to see me again, you wouldn’t have made the fucking phone call. But you did!” He shook his head and then looked up with a cheeky twinkle in his eye. “This time I won’t make any moves on you, though. I’m not going to risk another angry bite. This one took long enough to heal.” 

“Huh?” Jon gasped, clearly taken off-guard. No, he couldn't deny there was a sexual attraction between them it because that was all he was thinking about since they met in that smoky club the other day. Now, however, he felt a wave of anger run through him, setting his blood on fire and flushing his face. He didn’t know whether it was the tone of Richie’s voice, his smugness or both, but he needed to finally let it out.

“You have no fucking idea,” he drawled with a clear edge in his voice. “Fuck, I’m trying to figure things out and I’m so very sorry it takes me so bloody long. Guess I must be more careful next time so that I won’t send the wrong signals too quickly. Maybe I know it already, maybe I don’t. It makes me wonder if it’s really something so new to you because you seem so fucking comfortable?” He snarled, narrowing his eyes.

“Turning tables now, Jon?” Richie replied wearily and looked down at his hands. “Listen, it isn’t easy for me, either. I wanted you from the start and thought you wanted me, too. Now I’m not so sure anymore. I’m sorry, maybe I’ve been wrong all along.”


End file.
